He knew, yet He still…

I’m thankful for my life, I’m thankful for my husband, I’m thankful for my son and all God has blessed me with, but being a wife, a mom, a pastor, an employee is HARD. Can I be grateful yet be real at the same time? I was lead to start off by being grateful because in no shape way or form am I trying to be ungrateful and neglect all that God has and is blessing me with.

As I sat to study the word today the first sentence I wrote in my journal was, “I’m tired.” Now it may be because I stayed up to watch the latest new episode of SVU, so I am responsible for the physical tiredness. But what about my mental tiredness, or spiritual tiredness? If you know me I love to study God’s word. As a creative, it fascinates me finding ways to connect verses or find common themes God is portraying in the uncommon places. But sometimes after reading my word I’m reminded of my work left undone and how I somehow need to find time to do it all while not neglecting my wife, mom and pastoral duties. It feels overwhelming and sometimes I ask God to give me strength and I rely solely on Him but other times I cry or get angry and ask God why is this so hard? Anyone ever felt this way? No? Maybe? Ok well if you have, let me tell you how God encouraged me today and hopefully He will encourage you too.

Often times when I get in these funks, I find myself thinking, “If this happened, it would make my life easier..” or “If I had this I could get more stuff done…” or “If my family were closer I could get help from them…” Today I had a mountain of things on my mind that I needed to get done. Looking at my month ahead there’s so many things I need to attend or make sure happens and I felt overwhelmed. I had the thought, “If I could afford a full time nanny I could get so much done and I wouldn’t be as tired.” And when I started writing in my journal I said “I’m tired.” Then, immediately started thanking God for the many blessings in my life. I thanked God for my son Lucas.

If you don’t know, my husband and and I struggled with infertility for 3.5 years. We prayed, went to doctors visits, had 1 miscarriage, took thousands of pregnancy tests in hopes that one day it would say positive and see the promise of God to fruition. For almost 4 years it was always negative. Until one day, February 2019 I saw two lines which meant PREGNANT. I was happy yet scared but this time I knew it was different. And sure enough in October 2019 our rainbow baby, Lucas, entered this world. How thankful and overjoyed we were. Remembering this makes me tear up, God was faithful and He answered our prayers.

Crazy enough that same year in January 2019, God called us to start a church. It was unexpected, but we felt like it was what God was saying. So we did and the journey of not just being a mother but being pastors was ALL new to us. We went in knowing God would provide and He would direct us. And He did and still is.

I don’t know about you but sometimes I forget what I prayed for and look at the negative side of it and question God. I prayed for a son. God gave us the most precious son. Like I mentioned before, sometimes I think this is too much or if I had this or that it would make it easier. The worst is when I start thinking if the timing was the right one. But today God reminded me of this simple truth, HIS TIMING IS GOOD.

God gave me a baby in 2019 the year we started a journey to launch a church, the year before a pandemic hit, the year I turned 30. God knew all of that before I did. He knew. Yet still He chose this time. He didn’t wait until we had the church figured out (if that even exists lol). He didn’t wait until the pandemic was over. He didn’t give me a baby in 2015 when I started the journey of becoming pregnant. He chose this time. He chose now. He knew I’d be busy trying to build a healthy church. He knew I’d leave my corporate job to work from home. He knew I’d struggle with life work balance. He knew I’d cry because I felt like I couldn’t get anything done. He knew and yet He thinks it’s the best time for me to raise my baby and lead a church.

When I think of it like this I am in awe of God. I thank God, and I appreciate His timing. It shifts my perspective, from questioning God to trusting God because HE KNEW yet He still…

I shift to thinking about all the positives. I get to spend time with my son. I get to raise him and love him. I get to show him who God is and instill values in him. I remind myself one day he will be off to school or he’ll no longer think I’m cool and I’ll wish to spend time with him. It’s a blessing to work from home and watch my son. One day I may get a babysitter so I can get more done, but this season God isn’t calling me to do that nor opening doors for me to do so which means He is going to give me the strength and grace to fulfill what’s He’s called me to be and do this season.

What area of your life have you been complaining about or questioning God in? Will you join me in trusting His timing. Know that He loves you so much and if He thinks this is the time or season for it He has a plan, for good.

I’m encouraging you to read “When, God, When?: Learning to Trust in God’s Timing” by Joyce Meyer. Excellent book and hopefully it will shift your perspective on God’s timing.